tim burton’s entire film career has been a slow, faltering, roundabout way of asking for a threesome
Reblogging for the caption.
This explains so much O_O
Hi, guys. I’d like to talk today about a problem that’s been prevalent in the internet horror community (and the world in general, really) for waaaay too long now. Attached above is a reply I received to my post about seeing the Evil Dead remake, as well as the definition of the word “opinion”, which I’ve taken the liberty of enclosing here because apparently some people never bothered to learn it in their youths.
Having an opinion about something doesn’t make you right. Opinions are inherently inaccurate, in actuality, because they’re opinions. You can back one up with facts and evidence and the like, but at the end of the day an opinion is an opinion is a fucking opinion and trying to force your opinion on other people is about the most gauche thing you can possibly do in life. Opinions are your personal interpretations of things informed by your tastes and your preferences and your beliefs and your worldviews and since every single human being who lives now, will live in the future, or has ever lived at any point in time has one, absolutely nothing makes your opinion even a single iota more valuable than anyone else’s. So don’t try to act like yours is more important or more “right” than another person’s because at the end of the day it isn’t, and it just kinda makes you look like a tool for thinking it is.
Movies, like basically everything in life, are subjective. I don’t care if you’re an “esteemed” film critic or a five year old, your opinion will never be valid or invalid because opinions and facts are mutually exclusive. And while nothing can stop you from offering your opinions up to people all you like in life, I can more-or-less guarantee you that most of the people you posit them to are going to think you’re the jerkiest breed of jerk imaginable if you open your statement of opinion (once again: not fact) by immediately dismissing theirs. Debating is fun and I’d never in a million years try to discourage it, but word for the wise, you’ve gotta use a little tact and show a little respect when you do it if you don’t wanna look like a gigantic asshole.
At the end of the day, folks, it’s just the cinema. It’s something to make you happy, to make you think, to make you feel — it’s something to distract you from the fact that one day you’re going to die screaming. Don’t waste your life being grumpy and negative about the things you enjoy; just fucking enjoy them. And let other people dig what they dig without razzing them about it. Differing opinions make life worth living.
The ‘vs’ genre of film is very much an adolescent sort of thing, dreamed up by twelve year old boys discussing the combative qualities of one franchise against another. Freddy and Jason, Alien and Predators. Strippers vs Werewolves is even more so. You can practically hear the prepubescent voices gleefully exulting how awesome it would be to see a fit woman shoot a werewolf in the balls while, at one and the same time, wearing as little clothing as possible.
Justice (Adele Silva) is a stripper who reflexively stabs a patron in the eye with her silver pen when he starts to become bestial. Unknowingly, she’s just unleashed a war between the werewolf gangsters of London, led by Jack Ferris (Billy Murray) and Justice’s fellow strippers led by the madam Jeanette (Sarah Douglas). At the same time, there might be something wrong with Justice’s boyfriend Scott (Martin Compston).
Strippers vs Werewolves commits the one major sin that any film can commit: its dull. The actors are not interesting or talented enough to provoke any attention, plot is thin on the ground and the actual showdown between the strippers and the werewolves doesn’t happen until the last few minutes of a 98min film. The film also suffers from pointless scenes that don’t give anything to the film and a predilection for quite dire prosthetics. There is little to like about this film.
This is not to say that there isn’t anything to like. The film’s cheapness can sometimes be hilarious, with some one liners being wonderfully bad: a particular example being “Ding-dong motherfucker. I wish I’d shat in his mouth.” There is also a subplot regarding another strippers relationship with a vampire slayer who worries that he’s not cool enough for her, a subplot which the film should have been about. But these good points are not enough to stop this film becoming a sour memory.
Strippers vs Werewolves is like a night of heavy drinking. Enjoyable at the time but something you’ll regret the next day. But, for any adolescents reading this, there are a large number of boobs to see instead.
Book adaptations are difficult to get right. A writer can spend as many pages as they like explaining key points, building up atmosphere and adding new dimensions to the world around them. A director is forced to cram all these details into a two and a half hour film. Cloud Atlas runs for a whole three hours and yet there still feels like there’s so much missed, rushed or just not right. Which is truly a terrible shame.
Cloud Atlas follows six separate stories that are all linked to each other. Adam Ewing (Jim Sturgess) is a lawyer in the 1800’s trying to hide a stowaway slave from the ships crew. Robert Frobisher (Ben Wishaw) is a bisexual composer in the 1930’s trying to write his magnum opus under the guidance of his mad master. Luis Rey (Halle Berry) is a 1970’s reporter who may have uncovered a conspiracy regarding the new nuclear power plant’s safety record. Timothy Cavendish (Jim Broadbent) is a publisher whose recent windfall comes to the attention of Irish gangsters and is forced to flee to Scotland. Sonmi-451 (Doona Bae) is a ‘fabricant’ clone slave worker in Neo Seoul who is released by a mysterious man and becomes involved in the revolutionary underbelly of the city. And Zachery (Tom Hanks) is a survivor of the Fall of Mankind who ends up helping Meronym (Halle Berry) cross cannibal territory to reach the forbidden land where the devil resides.
Cloud Atlas is an enjoyable film. The different genres of the stories are work exceptionally well, with the humorous Tim Cavendish storyline being the runaway star of the film. Also, as the six stories reach their conclusions, the rapid movement between stories creates intense, high octane sequences and suspense. The cinematography, especially in Neo Seoul, is breath taking and the musical score manages to work across the different stories perfectly.
However, the main problem with the film is the six story lines that make it unique. At the start, when we should be introduced to characters and get to know them, we barely have enough time to make sense of what’s happening before we’re thrown into another world. this makes it rather difficult to follow initially, which makes it a trial to watch. Also, the use of the same actors in different worlds becomes distracting and turns the film into a game of ‘Spot the Actor,’ creating unintentional hilarity when certain actors have unconvincing prosthetics and skin pigmentation.
Cloud Atlas was built to work as a book rather than a film. While the ending keeps you on the edge of your seat, the rapidly intertwining plots are difficult to follow at the start. Worth seeing, but unlikely to something you’d see again and again.
Hey, you guys remember Toy Story? You remember how it breathes life into childhood toys and how interesting it was to see a toys perspective of the human world and how they deal with it? You remember how heart warming and wonderful and creative and joyous it was? Yeah? Well, this is…kind of like Toy Story. Just without the budget. Or the interesting plot. Or the imaginative animation. Or the likable characters and acting talent. Or the official release in cinemas. But it does have Tyra Banks, musical numbers and necromancy.
Life Size follows the escapades of Casey (pint-size Lindsey Lohan), a tomboy who is still coming to terms with the passing of her mother. So, she does what any rationally minded person would do and steals a book of black magic with the intention of resurrecting the rotted, shambling corpse of her dead mum. However, the ritual goes kaput when it brings to life Casey’s doll, Eve (Tyra Banks…yeah, just roll with it), who is both fascinated by the new world around her and pressurised to maintain her persona of being perfect at everything. Japes and hilarity subsequently ensues as Eve begins to acclimatise to her new world while Casey tries to find a way to end the spell before it becomes permanent.
There is no escaping the fact that this is a bad film. There is no way this could be a good film. At least Tyra had the excuse of actually being made of plastic to explain her stilted acting. The others, Lohan included, just seem to have acted when they could be bothered or didn’t bother at all. Because of this, there’s no character that stands out as someone to care about, with Casey in particular coming across as rather malevolent in her pursuit to effectively murder Eve for simply existing. And scene just sort of end and transition into each other in such an awkward fashion that when the fade-out happens it comes with a foreboding sense of dread.
And yet, this is truly a so-bad-its-good-film. The light-hearted and whimsical way in which black magic is dealt with can’t help to raise a smile. The musical numbers (yes, there’s more than one) that someone strangely thought this film was in desperate need for are beautifully cringe worthy. There are certain lines that lead to a treasure trove of deeper, hilarious implications. The ending is so nonsensical that it completely defies logic. And this all makes Life Size an enjoyable film.
Life Size is not good, but it is pleasant nonetheless. It’s a mine of valuable, entertaining badness just waiting to be excavated. While I’d urge against spending money on it, if you get the chance be sure to cast an eye across it.